Linux and Goblins

2004-09-01T13:34:00.000+01:00

Media Shenanigans
In one of those mergers wot happen with increasing regularity these days, Linux and Goblins is subsumed into Old Rotten Hat, where my 'stylings' will appear on an occassional basis. I may continue posting to Linux and Goblins, if only to keep the URL which will surely be required by some web design company any day now. That's the way it works I believe

2004-08-16T14:57:00.000+01:00

Movie Reviews
Bicentennial Man:
In which Robin Williams, or a robot who looks like Robin Williams, lives for 200 years and ends up looking like a human, talking like a human and falling in love with about five generations of the same family. The two hundred years is a handy device because it means lots of people can die. Every time we need a dose of mawkish sentimentality, hey presto, slap a subtitle saying "16 years later" on the bottom of the screen and god bless him, there goes little golden Robin waddling off to twitch his eyebrows over another deathbed until a tear forms in the eye and the hairs on one's back stand on end.

Just a few tiny issues with this film. Why does he have to walk all over america to find his soul mate? what the fuck is that all about? everyone else is flying around in cars but poor robin seems to have no method of transport available to him other than his own two legs. so off he goes, for ten years with a little robot rucksack. until 16 years later... etc etc.

eventually he gets to look just like robin williams, rather than a bit like him (this is an improvement?), becomes "a man" in every respect, settles down with the fifth generation as discussed above, and eventually is legally declared a man by a black, female judge. you can see the logic. flying cars, fine, but don't stretch credibility by having a white and/or male judge for god's sake. this is hollywood.

meanwhile over the space of two and half hours we are 'treated' to interminable scenes in which sam neill and his offspring keep going back to lawyers to find out about robot rights, and a tedious extended 'motif' about the robot not being able to tell a joke, which at least makes it a true-to-life likeness of robin himself. file alongside Patch Adams and Jack as examples of this great actors finest work.

Operation Dumbo Drop:
In which an elephant on a parachute is dropped from a plane over Vietnam, accompanied by a number of actors only fleetingly acquainted with the concept of dignity. At one point, with a lock on the gently descending elephant in question, the viet cong / chinese general announces "let him go. i didn't join this army to shoot elephants. certainly not ones that fly".

I only saw the last ten minutes of this film but no more was required to convince me. I mean come on; an elephant on a pallete!. and his parachute doesn't open, so ray liotta has to free fall after him and open it manually! yes, keanu reeves did that in point break, but that was patrick swayzee, not an elephant. the two can't even be compared.

I recently read the extraordinary autobiography of Graeme Obree. Apparently the film of his life will not be made due to a shortfall of a poxy million quid. no wonder i don't bother watching films anymore. Obree's book is fantastic by the way, highly recommended.

2004-08-13T16:18:00.000+01:00

Mobile Phone Boggle
it's the game that has got them all talking! Them being myself and the other people inside my head, everyone else is decidedly lukewarm about the idea of mobile phone boggle. However, i believe it will take over the world.

Rules: with your predicitive text switched on, what is the longest word you can write when following the rules of boggle. ie you can only move to an adjacent button, whether horizontal, vertical or diagonal.

this sounds simple but mobile phone boggle (tm) wrecks your head when you start trying it. there are three letters on each key, think about it. another variant is trying to write the longest sentence (that makes sense) using spaces according to normal boggle rules, or not (that's a third variant).

'mobile' is bogglable, as is 'mobility'. but lots of long words aren't. which is odd.

2004-07-30T14:01:00.000+01:00

Good Morning, Good Morning
An open letter to Tom McGurk:

Hi Tom,
Is there any particular reason why you repeat the phrase "good morning" at the beginning of your show? If I met someone in the street who behaved in this way I would almost certainly conclude they were a couple of swallows short of a summer day, if you get my drift.
Apart from anything else it makes you sound like the safety announcement on Irish Ferries: "attention, attention" (perhaps this was also your work?). Either way I imagine it must be an influence, although the insistence on sticking doggedly to the same formulaic greeting must also owe something to Ms. Finucane and her charming "and a very good morning to you".
I await your response with interest.
best regards, BEST REGARDS,
Tom Farrell

any response and i will let you know.
bertie ahern has STILL not responded to my questions about nial ring using oireachtas stationery.

2004-07-27T10:06:00.000+01:00

Blowers
As featured on Desert Island Discs. He was a legend enough already before picking the theme from Dad's Army as one of his eight pieces of music, perfect for relaxation whilst tucking into "A Pelican at Blandings".

Good site this, I rarely hear the programme itself but the web equivalent can quickly confirm that Gordon Ramsay is (as I always suspected) a total fuckwit - he picks that Bryan Adams shite for christ's sake, the one about the bloke with the arrows (not Bristow, the other one). Nigella Lawson's choice is unbelievably trashy for a posh bird, which for some reason gives the whole thing a sexual frisson. no doubt entirely intentional.

2004-07-27T09:40:00.000+01:00

'Terrorism Leaflet'
And to think we laughed at Joe Jacob and his iodine tablets. Turns out the man was ahead of time and even more practical than we supposed. Faced with the prospect of terrorist attack and devastating carnage, over in the UK the Home Office has done what every government organisation does best and produced a leaflet.

What is it with the public sector? Their response to almost any eventuality or difficulty is a leaflet. And the front of said leaflet is always crammed with various distinguished personages taking credit for DOING SOMETHING (ie producing this leaflet). Of course it doesn't stop at the leaflet - oh no. Rest assured there will be accompanying tv adverts and a billboard campaign. As long as we have something to keep the PR wonks busy we can survive any emergency (even all out nuclear war - vis 'Protect and Survive').

Now when I was a lad during the blitz, did good old Winnie spend his time writing leaflets? No he did not. He got an actor to speak to us on the radio while he hid in a bunker sodomising the cabinet (possibly). Now that's what i call leadership.

2004-07-21T11:47:00.000+01:00

Troon
Trooooooon. I love golf. it doesn't love me as the well-worn joke goes but i can live with unrequited in this instance. I even love golf on the telly. I'm even, EVEN one of these people who likes peter aliss. What i am less keen on is wathcing Ken Brown reading a booklet about the wildlife at Royal Troon, ostensibly as part of the BBC's coverage of the open.

what is it with the bbc and the Open? they are not so much going over board as capsizing the whole boat in a wave of steve rider's jism. it's a golf tournament guys. CALM DOWN. i doubt the bbc are reading this, but just in case:

1) The 'build up' show. what is that all about? Sam Torrance intoning 'let battle commence', visiting golfers in their houses (something that is never EVER going to make for good television), and an unseemly determination in every relevant interview to make Americans pretend it is the biggest event of the year for them. Who is this programme for? people who don't know anything about golf? are they likely to be watching?
2) Dozens of commentators. So many they literally don't know what to do with them. AND SOME OF THEM ARE WOMEN! Every tom dick or harriet is sent off around the course to breathlessly recount what we can see for ourselves on the screen.
3) Seve. Seve Seve Seve. "he play good shot. he pleased i think". "eez hard sometimes to play great golf". "he play bad shot. he miss hole". "i reduced to this for one last pay cheque".
4) Ken Brown. Like almost every commentator going this guy thinks he is Sid Wadell and the result is embarrassing. "he needs a needle of confidence from a haystack of doubt" etc. Give it up Ken. I liked him more when he walked around the greens playing pretend putts, that was rather enjoyable.
5) computer animations of the holes. what is the point of this when they have actual film from the helicopter. it recalls itvs decision to show the driver's view of a grand prix circuit using "formula 1" off the playstation. why? WHY WHY WHY?
6) That silly golf cart that Steve Rider sits in, in his silly trousers being all buddy buddy with the golfers, most of whom pretty obviously detest him, and who can blame them. this is of course ANOTHER opportunity to pester foreigners into saying that the Open is "the biggest tournament in the world(tm)". It seems to be all he cares about, i suppose if the country's best hope is Monty you need to take your national pride where you can....

2004-07-20T11:57:00.000+01:00

LUAS Update
For the benefit of Greg, whoever he is, it costs €2.00 one way into town from Sandyford. Search for LUAS on google and you'll find a page that includes a 'fare calculator'. From Sandyford to Tallaght (in a big circle if you think about it) is €2.40.

Of course you have to park your car and pay some exhorbitant amount if you are using it as a "Park and Ride" facility, which undermines a lot of the benefit. Speaking of which, wasn't it great to see clamper vans quite deliberately targetting football fans who had travelled down for the Ulster final last Sunday week? Most of the cars they clamped weren't even in anybody's way, but I suppose as a revenue earner it was a no-brainer. Who cares about the family from Donegal returning to their car at 7 o'clock to find some corporation cunt looking for €150 and presumably making them wait an hour for the privilege of setting off on a drive that is bad enough anyway never mind in the aftermath of the capitualtion of their joke of a football team. We at Linux and Goblin care, that's who.

2004-07-20T11:44:00.000+01:00

U2 CD Theft
Ah yes, Linux and Goblins, i remember this. Is there anyone daft enough to believe this tissue of lies vis the theft of a few U2 songs in France? What a tragedy eh, 2 years work lost just like that. It does beg a few questions about productivity levels in today's pop combos, but at least it gets the papers talking about U2 which is kind of handy isn't it. It is genuinely sad to see a supposedly quality newspaper falling so easily for a desperate and piss poor publicity stunt like this.

Aside from anything else the story doesn't make any sense. These mythical 'bootleggers' could just wait for the album to be released before ripping it off couldn't they? What difference does it make if they get hold of the thing a couple of weeks early? And more importantly, what exactly are the French police doing interviewing hairdressers about a CD that "may simply have been lost". Maybe the Gendarmerie are so over-staffed they could help track down my copy of bright orange bright yellow by the Go betweens, a loss that has cost me LITERALLY 20 euros. My wife is suspected, so the interview process need not take long.

If I was a French taxpayer, if such a thing exists, i would be insisting the police focus on more pressing matters like the shape of british bangers and the flavours used in cheese and onion crisps.

2004-07-07T14:43:00.000+01:00

Price Watch
Turns out that after cornering the market in low-price noodles (see archive, somewhere or other) Tesco value have increased the price of these boys to 21 cent! (note singular). This sort of thing really pisses me off. They don't give a damn about the consumer. As soon as their predatory pricing has seen off Bachelors Super Noodles they are lining their pockets to the tune of 6 cent a packet. The RyanAir of noodles, that's the damning Linux and Goblins verdict.

2004-07-06T13:55:00.000+01:00

Campaign For More Words Based On "Bureaucrats"
There aren't enough of these. Eurocrats. Securocrats. Bah. We need more!
Poorocrats - those people who get government grants to bang on about 'relative poverty'.
Doorocrats - bouncers and their associated trade unions, or people who make you jump through hoops to obtain entry into divers events
Floorocrats - the parquet/floorboard industrial complex, creators of floor envy, etc. the reason you 'have' to change your floors every five years
Snorocrats - those businesses with a vested interest in exaggerating the 'problem' of snoring, often leading to marital discord
Lawocrats - lawyers, barristers, self explantory
Jawocrats - dentists, orthodontists, etc. foisters of braces upon youngsters for no reason but their own salaries.

Please feel free to contribute to this campaign by either suggesting new words or sending me money to lobby people.

2004-07-06T13:43:00.000+01:00

Rip Off Dublin / Cheese Watch
Linux and Goblins had it's first opportunity to order a glass of white wine with the cheese course on Friday. And we are happy to report A RESOUNDING SUCCESS! Maybe it was just me but I am convinced there was a little twinkle in the waitresses eye when she came back with the grub. No doubt full of lust for a man (ie me - we are talking about me) of such superb taste. I have long been of the opinion that the cheese is a good way to judge a restaurant, and on this basis Eden scores high. Proper Camembert, Durrus, some blue stuff and some more soft stuff whose names I cannot remember. They are all ripe and named on the menu, although thanks to meddling eurocrats they are stone cold. Every restaurant should be like this.

Earlier in the evening the missus paid €5.70 for a virgin mary (ie glass of tomato juice) in the Clarence Hotel. You might imagine these prices would put people off, but of course the place is full of people ostentatiously drinking their cocktails (about €12 a pop) in a frenzy of conspicous consumption. They LOVE IT, thanks to the prices it's a really easy way for everyone to communicate the fact that they are loaded.

If these chatterati really cared about rip-off Dublin they would be up at Barry's Hotel drinking Guinness at €3.10 a pint. And after a round in the bar the money saved will buy you a lap dance downstairs! I believe the sort of posh ladies who inhabit the Clarence pretend to go in for that sort of thing nowadays.

2004-07-06T12:28:00.000+01:00

The LUAS
By popular demand (true, as in a person asked me) Linux and Goblins tackles the LUAS. We paid €750 million for this little metal mouse, it looks pathetic sitting there on Stephen's Green, huge queues of gormless idiots who have presumably never seen a tram before, having to wait ten minutes for the next one because already it cannot handle demand at busy periods - and this is just one line. Any other city with trams has something called a 'network'. You know, lots of trams, going to lots of places. Even some where poor people live!

One line in isolation does almost nothing to solve transport or traffic issues except for those lucky (and rich) enough to live and work along the line. In fact without commitment to a genuine network it is a criminal waste of money. Exactly the same service could have been provided by a guided bus for a fraction of the cost.

Despite all this I recently heard Mary O'Rourke waxing lyrical and self-congratulatory, principally regarding the wonderful lilac colour of the interiors. O'Rourke was of course the minister responsible for the incomprehensible decision to keep the two lines seperate in the city centre. So it's a case of "sorry about the lack of integrated transport infrastructure, but hey, the fabric's a pretty colour isn't it?"

Now at this juncture I could embark, Kilroy-Silk fashion, on a series of speculations vis the inevitable drawbacks of having women in positions of power. And you know, it's so tempting that I think I will. Ah no I won't. You can guess it all anyway.

2004-06-29T22:48:00.000+01:00

Word Of Advice
For the marketing department at Miller Beer. WOMEN DO NOT LOOK LIKE BEER. BEER DOES NOT LOOK LIKE WOMEN.

Give it up. Seriously.

2004-06-29T22:31:00.000+01:00

Dumbing Down
We're back at Linux and Goblins after England's shambolic and entirely predictable exit from EURO 2004.

Specialist subjects on last night's Mastermind: European Cup Finals since 1970, The Fiction of Michael Crichton, The Music of Elvis Costello. There's a few things going on here.

Firstly, these are subjects that any sensible person would affect a complete ignorance of, even if they knew all the answers. "The Fiction Of Michael Crichton" for fuck's sake. You're confirming you're a retard the moment you sit in the chair love. Costello is a borderline case, but the questions all related to his later, shitter years. And while there is nothing wrong with enjoying a game of football (not much chance of that with Svennis at the helm mind you) there is EVERYTHING wrong with the ultra-nerdosity on display last night.

Secondly (and this is a subtle one), it used to be "the life and works of" or similar. Now the 'life' element has been eliminated, wjich cuts a pretty sprawling subject down to a manageable few chunks. Shouldn't be allowed.

Thirdly, what the hell is going on with this inane chit-chat? The whole point of Mastermind is that we DO NOT have to sit through the presenter exchanging cringeworthy banalities about the career of Declan McManus or asking contestants "what the whole thing is with this genetic engineering". Magnus Magnusson would never put up with that kind of thing.

PUT THE COLOURED PEGS IN THE BOARD AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I LAUGH AT YOUR SELECTION AND PLACEMENT OF COLOURED PEGS. I MOCK THEM WITH MY MONOCHROMATIC PEGS.

He was one hard-assed icelandic dude.

2004-06-11T21:02:00.000+01:00

Surbiton Online
I love this site. Particularly the "enter" button. I expressed a desire to visit the site when I typed in "www.surbiton-online.co.uk". Would it be so hard to take me straight there. Sadly no mention of the Good Life.

2004-06-11T21:00:00.000+01:00

Fruit Tella
I doubt I am the only one who wishes / demands that the pear Fruit Tella be given a pack of its own. Currently only available in a multi-flavour assortment (ie lottery) this unique sweet deserves more.

2004-06-11T20:45:00.000+01:00

Final Thoughts On The Election
Encouraged into the polling booth by a Sinn Fein loudspeaker urging me to "make history, vote Ciaran McAnnrai Number One for Dublin City Council", this evening I took part in that enjoyable exercise of starting at the bottom (Nial Ring - preference 15) and working up. I always keep my promise to 'give him/her a preference'.

In the last week or so the Christian Solidarity people pulled a clever stunt: putting up posters of their candidate in which he is NOT crossing his eyes like a lunatic. A good idea, but you can't help wonder why they didn't think of this before. Who decided to go with the cross-eyed photo in the first place if they had a choice? Still if God is so smart he'll rig the ballot I'm sure.

And lastly, Ring's latest letter* came in an official "OIREACHTAS EIREANN" envelope, the letter inside which proudly proclaimed "Oireachtas envelopes compliments of An Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern". THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ALL RIGHT! This is the worst kind of banana republic bullshit - the supposed leader of the nation donating envelopes (no doubt taxpayer funded) to some local slimeball on the make. I will be following this up and reporting back, mark my words.

*after a doorstep conversation during the campaign myself and Mr. Ring 'go way back'.

2004-06-11T20:42:00.000+01:00

Gerry Adams
Is this some sort of confession?.

"our experience (of torture) is that, while individuals may bring a particular impact to their work, they do so within interrogative practices authorised by their superiors." First hand experience I assume, although OF COURSE Gerry Adams was never in the IRA. And let us not forget that the victims of IRA torture aren't able to write self-pitying articles in The Guardian, mainly because each session was ended with a bullet in the back of the head...

2004-06-11T20:33:00.000+01:00

Blognesia / Blogathy
There should be a word for it - not being arsed to update your blog. "Sanity" perhaps? Anyway we are back in full effect at Linux and Goblins.

2004-05-26T23:03:00.000+01:00

The Referendum
Vote Yes for "Common Sense Citizenship"
I imagine I am not the only one who gets nervous about law-making on the basis of 'common sense'. Besides which, common sense citizenship would surely entail exactly what we have at present - citizenship by birth - rather than some wierd formula based on how long your parents have lived here.

What is most dispiriting is the pathetic nature of the NO campaign. It seems focused entirely on pretending there is no issue, questioning the timing of the vote or accusing the FF/PD cabinet of attempting to stir up racism (not that this is unlikely). Nobody is willing to oppose the vote on simple internationalist grounds and make a case for unrestricted immigration and emigration, or at the very least believing that those born here have a right to stay here.

Not wanting a world in which people die starving against the barbwire in the sahara desert or falling from the undercarriage over Heathrow is obviously far too RADICAL an idea for anyone in Ireland to go along with, so instead the Labour Party oppose the vote on ludicrous minutiae. Depressing.

2004-05-26T22:43:00.000+01:00

The Candidates (In Poster Form)
By popular request.
Local elections.
The following information is meaningless to anyone not living in the Stoneybatter / North Strand area.
Marguerite Fitzpatrick - seems like a nice enough lady. Has made the classic beginners mistake of applying a ninja-turtle style blue mask before having her photo taken for the poster.
Emer Costello - not bad. Joe obviously batting out of his league to bag this young lady.
Joe Mooney - I'm going to vote for this guy, but when I see the picture I wonder why. he looks like a lunatic, it's a deterrent.
The Christian Guy with the cross eyes - he's not exactly destroying any stereotypes poor fellow.
Nial Ring - I reserve my special contempt for this man. Clearly pumping his own money into a campaign to get elected to Dublin City Council. Has a silly beard. How pathetic can a man be? Fancy posters, even a teaser campaign before they went up - leaflets with a silouette "appearing on a pole near you soon" (swinging from it I hope). I got another letter from him today. Apparently due to huge demand he is opening a clinic on Manor Street. EXACTLY HOW STUPID DO THESE PEOPLE THINK WE ARE? Never heard of him a month ago, hopefully I will have forgotten him a month from now. Tosser.

European Elections
Two of the candidates have presumably been photographed on a day out - I refer of course to Patricia McKenna and (lets get goin' with) Eoin Ryan.
Gay Mitchell - this is the work of a surrealist. Magritte is the suggestion I have heard and it fits the bill perfectly. Clouds definitely photoshopped, face looks like that trick with James Joyce and the five pound note.
Royston - one weakness of the Irish electoral system is that it favours the time-serving dullard. You're looking at him folks.
Mary Lou - ah yes, hello mary lou, goodbye heart, possibly hacked out with a rusty knife on a remote hillside in Armagh in revenge for pissing in Gerry's tea.
Bacik - a smile would be nice (and conventional).
De Rossa would be acceptable if he lost the beard.

that's the lot of them. next up the referendum.

2004-05-19T21:16:00.000+01:00

Responses From Messrs Mitchell and Ryan
Possibly of the 'stock' variety mind you. Either way a cop out but clearly touched a nerve with Gay 'is that a painting?' Mitchell.

Eoin Ryan:
Dear Tom,
If elected to the European Parliament, I will resign my Dail seat at the next
general election. In the intervening three year (sic), I will put in place a system
with additional staff to ensure that I can continue the level of service I
currently provide to the constituency of Dublin South East.
Thankyou for your inquiry,
Eoin Ryan TD

Gay Mitchell:
Dear Tom

Thank you for your email in which you raise the issue of my membership of the
Dail.
I would like to state that.

I recently resigned from Dublin City Council.
If I am elected an MEP I will be resigning from the Fine Gael Front Bench,
I will resign as Chairperson of the European Affairs Committee,
I will resign as Chairperson of the EU Sub-Committee on Scrutiny,
I will be resigning from the EU Forum where I am leader of the Fine Gael Group,
I will be resigning from the Steering Group of the Forum,
I will be resigning from the EPP Manifesto Group in Brussels and I have just
resigned as Director of Elections for Dublin.
I have no doubt whats-so-ever that I will be able to combine being an MEP and a
TD for the 3 year or so transition period.
I will use the additional resources available to me to open a constituency
office and I will work as hard as I have worked since I was first elected a
Councillor.
The dual mandate at City and Dáil level is now ending, the dual mandate at Dáil
and European level on the dissolution of the current Dáil.
I hope this reply is of assistance to you.
Thank you for your enquiry.

Yours Sincerely,
Gay Mitchell T.D.

2004-05-19T14:01:00.000+01:00

More Mr Men Reflections
This is beginning to get to me. Where are all the internal organs? Stomach, lungs, heart, pancreas, spleen (I assume there is a Mr. Barefoot Doctor), intestines, liver, kidneys, etc. All essential to life but without anything by way of a torso to house them.

I don't like the idea of all these things being in the head of a Mr Man but that only leaves the arms or legs, which would also be a strange sort of scenario, even for Mr Men with long arms (tickle) or legs (tall).

It doesn't make any SENSE.

2004-05-18T20:45:00.000+01:00

I Told You So Section
Linux and Goblins archivists will remember previous comments on Eur-a-star, vis the pointlessness of asking Irish people to vote in order to select our entry in the Eurovision. They are precisely the people who will NOT be able to vote for our song on the night.

As previously noted there are plenty of foreigners in this country whose opinions we could solicit - it would not be hard to put together a panel featuring all the nationalities that get to vote and let them make the decision. Bertie is president of the EU and can make this happen. in fact he can go a step further. ultimately the competition is won by diasporas. A forced settlement program in small countries (where the vote is easily influenced) would yield signficant results overnight. Israel get away with it why not us?

2004-05-18T20:41:00.000+01:00

Vaguely Serious Euro-Vote Reflections
Given that we are continuously reminded of the COLOSSAL workload of our poor hard-done-by TDs every time they award themselves another fat pay rise, how is it that both Gay Mitchell and (let's get goin' with)Eoin Ryan - sitting TDs both - think that they will find the time to be footling around Brussels and Strabourg fiddling with our good old-fashioned british bangers?

Either a) being a TD isn't really much of a job after all, or b) they are going to do a shitty job for the next two years, or rather two shitty jobs for the next two years.

Which is it?

2004-05-18T20:20:00.000+01:00

Snack Watch - Refreshers Gums
I have always considered myself a fan of the refresher, both the fizzy sweets in a tube and the large yellow chews which (I think) have no organic link with each other as Gerry Adams would say.

Now bursting on the scene is the refresher gum, which IS organically linked with the fizzy sweet. It's a shot across the Starburst bows. Although briefly rivalled by the late fizzy polo (a tragic loss) the refresher remains the king of the cheap and cheerful bracket, which makes the insipid gum version even more dissapointing. The texture is out and the characteristic 'fruit' flavour (absolutely nothing like fruit but whatever combination of chemicals they are using is spot on) is completely missing. Really like nothing so much as a bag of fruit pastels.

Miss.

2004-05-18T20:09:00.000+01:00

Mr. Men In Bed
Another puzzler from the world of children's books... they can only pull the duvet up to their waist/chin (it amounts to the same thing on a Mr Man). Unfortunately that leaves most of their body area exposed to the elements (due to their large heads, covering up more could be a suffocation risk) and they do not seem to wear pyjamas.

Some of the larger Mr Men, Mr Greedy et al can probably get away with this but those with a high surface to volume ration (Mr. Small, Mr. Sneeze - with all those spikes, Mr Tickle - long arms), are likely to suffer in the winter months. And they definitely have cold winters, as snow features a lot.

I can't figure this out.

2004-05-12T22:54:00.000+01:00

Insert Lame Referreeing Pun Here...
Good to know that the highly-paid bouffant boffins inhabiting the world's advertising agencies are working overtime on the old creative concepts. Take a look at old Pierluigi Collina here. Yes, that's the one, that football umpire man. Isn't he funny with his funny bald head and his amusing bulgy eyes!

So some clever clogs in Coca Cola (not literally immersed in the drink - although this is a tempting scenario - but rather in the corporation's employ) decides to use the chap to advertise a holiday prize of a road-trip to EURO 2004. "You're off!" etc etc. Not hard to figure it out from there is it? Even if you haven't seen the billboards you can visualise it surely. The bare bones at least.

Now that is borderline acceptable. But "YOU'RE OFF! (to Comet)" is piss-poor by anyone's standards. Even if it wasn't derivative it would still be shit. And I'm not off to Comet anyway, I couldn't even get there if I wanted to unless I rolled it into a trip to IKEA. By the way, I know he doesn't say this in the link, but he does in the press adverts. Take my word for it.

Aside from anything else Collina should be worried about getting typecast as the strict rulesman who sends people off (on road trips, to comet, etc) all the time. Try extending your range Pierluigi! Think of the possibilities:
- Arranging a wall in an advert for B&Q
- Tossing a coin in an advert for AIB
- Giving penalties (multiple) to people convicted of driving offences (sponsored by Diageo)
- Blowing his whistle in an advert for whistles (it's a no brainer)
- Giving a yellow card for diving in a public safety campaign about the dangers of horseplay in swimming pools
- etc

But what most concerns Linux and Goblins is the money back on video cameras if England win the tournament. Surely Collina has a conflict of interest here? His Comet paymasters are bound to pull a few strings and encourage a flurry of penalties every time jonny foreigner takes a tumble in the box are they not? I know who to blame in the extraordinary event of England not winning this tournament.

2004-05-07T14:11:00.000+01:00

Dublin City Council
Encouraged by the "Race Against Waste" fancy advertising campaign I recently decided to dispose of my garden waste through the City Council. (in other words the regular bin men refused to pick it up and i was left with no choice. Why exactly the bin men won't take hedge clippings etc is beyond me but this seems to be the case.)

After loading up the car I arrive at Grangegorman to find that they won't take my waste. This despite me having a leaflet that specifically states I can take it there. As usual the staff are lazy, incompetent, rude and unhelpful. They send me to Raheny.

Now in the normal world this would not be a significant journey. But in the world of Dublin "The Capital of Europe", ROYSTON (BRADY NOT KEANE) YOU TOSSER - it is a two hour round trip. So one hour later and not a happy man I arrive at some godforsaken spot where another character straight from Lord of the Rings peers into my car and announces that he cannot take "those stringy things" (dead palm leaves) as "they jam the shredder". At this point I am looking at ENTIRE TREES waiting to be ground up and wondering how the fuck my palm leaves are going to cause a problem. I am about as close to the girly arm-flailing that in my mind passes for violence as I will ever be.

Cutting me a deal goblin-boy suggests I seperate the palm leaves from the rest and leave them aside. And then I have to pay a fiver! This of course on top of bin charges (if I was daft enough to pay them) and taxes. I did ask what should be done with the palm leaves. After some consideration our friend suggested leaving them on a bus. In other words - he hasn't got a clue.

So there you have it. I will not be recycling my green waste again. I will either burn it or leave it on a bus, or maybe dump it in a field. The Irish Government's approach to the problem is a lot of money on television advertising, and absolutely fuck all on sensible service provision that would give people a positive experience of recycling.

2004-05-07T13:59:00.000+01:00

The Police State
As a general rule the first sign of an impending totalitarian state is the gentle reminder from your respective leader that you must appreciate your "right to protest" as others are not so lucky. Subtext: we can take it away you know. And implicit in the statement is the belief that THEY give US rights, whereas in fact it is entirely the other way around. So no surprise to find that Bertie is started to believe he was appointed by some sort of divine succession (not so far of the mark really), rather than being the lucky recipient of some of OUR money in order to run the country (ie work for us).

These musings were inspired by the farce of May 1st. Who owns this city anyway? First trying to buy some sand and having to negotiate vast numbers of checkpoints and justify my journey at every corner to some bumpkin in a day-glo vest. Can't go through the park of course, oh no. We've closed off the entire park for the day because we don't want some Latvian dignitary having to witness some . That's OUR park of course that our taxes pay for.

Then going for lunch with the missus I repeat the process. Having to say where I am going in order to pass a barricade on Parliament Street. And why? The Gards were loving it, playing at being MI5 for the day. It's scary that it is so easy to re-create Soviet Russia for the day and nobody seems to care. Except Linux and Goblins of course. Speaking out baby.

2004-04-28T10:12:00.000+01:00

Railway Privatisation
Here's the question on everyone's mind; why did the Fat Controller brick up Henry in the tunnel rather than break him up and sell him for scrap? Essentially he halved the carrying capacity of his line rather than take the tough decision to break up an engine with a face. Stupidity.

It is no wonder that the likes of Pete Waterman and Richard Branson cannot run a privatised rail line if this is the kind of junk they grew up with.

2004-04-27T10:00:00.000+01:00

Tesco Prussia Street Update
Yes Justin, they've put windows in and streamlined the checkouts. We're the one's paying for it in the end of course. I would happily shop in the dark if it cut a few cents off the price of a can of beans. It's like these "Clubcard" schemes. People actually believe the 'money back' grows on some sort of tree rather than from an additional 1% on the price of everything in the shop.

Far more interesting was my exchange with the checkout girl (no I didn't "pick a muslim"). She asked me if I wanted her to tear the top off my leeks. Ouch! But fear not - she explained that "there's no point paying for them if you're not going to eat them". It was like a sudden revelation! Why had I not thought of this before? I had already peeled all the bananas and was starting on the oranges when security arrived. "She started it" wasn't going to wash with the Tesco goons. I made my excuses and left.

2004-04-26T11:17:00.000+01:00

Baby Clothing Piracy
Swapping baby/child clothes as children grow into and out of sizes IS KILLING CHILDRENSWEAR. That's the warning from Linux and Goblins.

I discovered last weekend that informal 'peer to peer' groups of mothers are simply swapping clothes around instead of buying them. Obviously I do not have to point out the consequences for Gymboree et al and the various and diverse clothes designers who supply the product.

If this is the sort of carry on they get up to I think MORE women should be put in jail. And that includes you Cherie Blair.

2004-04-26T10:59:00.000+01:00

Journalistic Crapness Awards
Linux and Goblins is delighted to award our first JCA to Barbara Ellen of the Observer. Compare and contrast these two articles - one from last week's Observer and one (by Ms. Ellen) from this week's edition.

I know the media can be a little self-referential at times but this is taking the piss. Two columnists working for the same newspaper write near-identical articles in successive weeks. Just fancy that! I mean how lazy can you possibly get? Ripping of someone else's work is all very well but at least try and find it outside the paper you are working for. Unless you have an editorial team who don't notice things like this...

Now I appreciate that there are levels of sadness involved in me noticing something like this. Beyond the basic pedantry you're into a whole world of questions about why I am reading not one but two articles about the women's clothing in Marks and Spencers. I don't have any ready answers. But SOMEONE has to speak up.

2004-04-22T14:03:00.000+01:00

SNACK BOX JURY

Cornetto Love Potion #4 - HIT!
Executive summary: Pistachio and chocolate ice cream with little rolly bits of chocolate on the top and lumps of chocolate in the ice cream. The people at Cornetto (HB) have hit back at the people at Magnum (HB), whose "seven deadly sins" rocked the ice cream-on-a-stick market last summer.

Leaving aside philosophical musings about why pistachio ice-cream doesn't look or taste anything like pistachio nuts, Linux and Goblins is delighted to endorse this ice cream, particularly as a previous experience with the "Love Potion" range (can't remember the name but it had spices in it) was a grevious dissapointment.

This is a real tasty treat, but the name is misleading as it did not have the desired effect on my wife.

Tesco Value Bacon Flavour Noodles - MISS!
Competition in the 'super noodle' market has driven these babies down to 15 cents a pop. At that price I find it hard to criticise the taste and texture but what troubles me is the preparation: you know the traditional system - "bring 200ml of water to boil, add sachet of 'seasoning', add noodles."

Most of us have managed to screw this up by using too much water (ie over-diluting the sauce), so in a Gordon Ramsay moment I MEASURED the water into the pan. Let me tell you - not enough to drown a mouse and certainly not enough to immerse a packet of noodles in. I am left in the absurd situation of having to turn the noodles in the pan in order to ensure they cook evenly. A fifteen cent bag of starch does not merit this.

By my reckoning a saucepan with a very small diameter and modest height might be able to cook these noodles properly. A sort of saucepan that doesn't exist. So basically these noodles are impossible to cook. Did anyone at Tescos TRY following the instructions before sending these out into the world?

And after all that fuss the sauce was too strong. Ridiculous.

2004-04-20T16:22:00.000+01:00

Race Against Waste
On face value worrying about losing this race is an absurdity. I can comfortably beat all forms of waste over any distance, except light items like crisp bags on an extremely windy day. But it is a METAPHOR.

So why don't you "Reduce Reuse and Recycle"? I might start when:
1) Dublin Corporation decides to keep their bring centres open for more than a couple of micro-seconds a day. I do not believe that working for a living should automatically make it impossible to do a spot of recycling.
2) There exists some facility for putting SACKS of waste directly into the relevant skip rather than having to delve around in the slime for each individual tin can and push it through a pokey little hole (those who have performed this task do not need me to describe the residue left on the hands, if you haven't then consider yourself lucky). I made an observation along these lines to a friendly Corporation employee who told me with a smile that "we never do things the easy way here". MAYBE THATS WHY NOBODY IS RECYCLING ANYTHING YOU MORON (I did not say this).

Two very reasonable requests. But of course Royston (Brady not Keane) is too busy dissappearing up Bertie's arse to notice. "I've been up every arse in North Dublin" - that could be his catchphrase.

2004-04-15T12:11:00.000+01:00

Sour Survey
Not a survey that is sour but a survey OF 'sours'. Easily recognised by their puke-green packaging (puke-green is the international colour of the sour, thankfully as yet nobody has done a WALKERS on it and bucked this trend) these sweets are taking over the high-street. Of course the word sweet has to be used cautiously here because (a bit of a twist this) they aren't really sweet at all. They're kind of sour. Funny that. On with the survey, in reverse order of merit:

MAYNARDS SOURS
Don't kid yourself Mr. Maynard. You're not fooling anyone. It's a wine gum with some 'sour' powder stuck to the exterior. Just like the "Wine Pastille" is a wine gum with some 'sweet' powder stuck to the exterior. Ten seconds in the mouth and any member of this triumvirate is indistinguishable from the others. Linux and Goblins is sorry to report that otherwise intelligent grown men have been fooled by this wafer-thin piss-poor attempt at 'product diversification'. True conneisuers (the sort of people who can spell the word for example) see the Maynards sour for what is is(n't). LOOK ELSEWHERE.

SKITTLES SOURS
The burning question is when Skittles are to be incorporated into the "Starburst" franchise - now expanded to include Joosters (a sickener) and those ones with liquid in the middle (interesting). As they are made by the same people it seems MADNESS not to rationalise all their fruity sweets under one easy to understand umbrella brand. Starburst originals (ie what used to be Opal Fruits) are still able to offer different themes within their own niche, so Skittles would not have to sacrifice their berry and sour varieties either. SORT IT OUT MARS.

As for the sours themselves. We are all familiar with the basic size appearance and texture of the skittle, we don't need to dwell here. The sour 'layer' is integrated more effectively than in the above effort from Maynards (spit). However the careful sucker will witness a clear progression. A moment of sweetness (crisp outer shell). A prolonged sourness. Sweetness at the centre. A concentric progression of flavours not unlike the various layers of the earth (crust, mantle, core). A good analogy for those coming to terms with the sour skittle.

Chew them of course and this effect is lost. But what sort of a fool chews skittles?

STARBURST SOURS
Starburst as in what we used to call Opal Fruits (see above). These are the business. Sour all the way through with no pissing about. Linux and Goblins Recommended.

2004-04-13T15:26:00.000+01:00

Special Olympics
"Carrickmacross - Host Town to Monaco"
Of all the sick jokes. In keeping with the spirit that sent the Iraqi squad to Larne the Monaco team should have been placed in the beautiful (pacific) coastal location currently featured in the Centra ad. An advert for leaving the country. Interesting concept.

2004-04-13T15:13:00.000+01:00

These Young Bands Care Nothing For Wisdom In Their Song Lyrics
I heard a song on the radio the other day by a band called Busted. It was about going to the year 3000 and coming back again. And it struck me that unlike rockers of yesteryear these young pups are churning out nonsense (and they probably don't care). Regular readers of Linux and Goblins (the loch ness monster, abominable snowman, etc) will know that one can learn a lot from the right song. But look at this rubbish:

I've been to the year three thousand
not much has changed but they lived under water
and your great great great grand daughter,
is pretty fine......she's pretty fine.

There is so much wrong with this it is hard to know where to begin (or whether to bother). "Not much has changed but they lived under water"? I would consider that a pretty fucking significant change myself. Are they breathing underwater or living in huge domed cities? Do the members of Busted have ANY IDEA of the implications of either of these scenarios?

And what on earth is this about the "great great great grand daughter"? Talk about quality genes! I make that an average age of about 200 years in that family which as we all know is unlikely (although Micheal Martin seems to think that after the smoking ban we will all live forever). The only other alternative is that the song is set in the year 2600 or so. Or that the collective members of Busted are too stupid to perform the simplest mathematical calculations.

I ask you a simple question. Would Foreigner have filled their songs with such crass blunders? Peter Cetera? Whitesnake? Exactly. Nor would they suggest for a second that a girl with gills is "pretty fine".

2004-04-13T14:53:00.000+01:00

The Masters
You have to wonder about a golfing tournament that can be won by a guy who doesn't even hold his clubs properly. The other way round Phil - you're playing like a woman for Christ's sake. Mind you Thursday night was interesting. Two hours coverage of some rain and Steve 'rictus' Ryder under a tarpaulin musing on whether the eventual winner would be good at driving, short irons or putting. I don't pretend to know much about golf but "all three" would seem like a pretty obvious answer to that one. "During these thunderstorms it's important for everyone to leave the course, but particularly the golfers". Yeah those plebs who pay the money don't count for shit do they Steve?

Speaking of which, the most pressing question of the event was DOES anyone have a shit at the Masters. There is something sinister about the manicured perfection of the whole thing. You never see Bernhard Langer stuffing a Twix in his mouth while playing partner Fred Funk goes for a quick piss in the azeleas do you? Peter Alliss could do the commentary. "ho ho ho. Good old Fred has got the old trouser snake out and he's popping a little precipatation over the old garden there. What do you think about that Alex?".

It's an interesting concept having the flowers 'packaged' with the golf in an attempt to make the average man care about this sort of thing. You could go somewhere with that. Where it would lead nobody knows. Interior design tips packaged with hard-core pornography. It amounts to the same thing anyway.

2004-04-08T12:53:00.000+01:00

Seperation of Church and State
Unfortuntalely this story appeared in the Irish Examiner, and as I am not going to support the fascistic practice of requiring registration you will have to make do with this shitty link for background. Feel free to write to the Irish Examiner and let them know how many 'hits' they lose through this odious practice. Cork bastards.

But to get to the point - I think this is a great idea. There will be some interesting implications of every child in the country no longer becoming a Catholic by default. For one, you would have to assume that any organisations that discriminate on the basis of religion will have all their state funding withdrawn. Where that leaves the schools sector I don't know, but anyone who thinks for a moment will have already realised that the decision relating to Portmarnock Golf Club has set a precedent in this area.

If Golf Clubs cannot exclude women, can state-funded schools continue to request baptism certificates? I hardly think so. At present the schools system in Ireland leaves parents unwilling to pay (and really, who gives a shit about their children's education?) having to accept that their kids are going to be subjected to various forms of religious indocrination. What sort of a piss-poor system is that? Hopefully now that the Bishop of Kerry has shot himself in the foot (possible unsighted due to vestments) we can have a proper education system. I mean some kids nowadays are growing up not even hating the Brits, which is pathetic.

2004-04-06T14:25:00.000+01:00

Barefoot Doctor
I'm beginning to like this chap. Some time ago I began to suspect he was taking the piss and this merely confirms it. Try it yourself - "wa pu" (which I can't find mentioned anywhere else on the Internet) seems to be exactly the same as that silly 'dance' Hank Marvin and the Shadows used to do. Still are doing probably, at the end of Blackpool pier, if they aren't dead.

2004-04-02T22:15:00.000+01:00

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL LINUX AND GOBLINS
Exclusively to Linux and Goblins! No more fumbling around looking for your favourite songs! Impress the ladies with your taste in sweet and soulful music! Great for shagging (skip past the first couple of songs though - and don't try to keep up with Harold Melvin - and you'd probably want to get everything done and dusted before Orange Juice comes on, but that's 20 minutes in so no problems there)! All on one convenient disc! Possibly with cover!

To receive this superb compilation simply indicate your willingness to trade a similar offering from your own collection (no hard bag, dark house, goan trance etc) and provide me with an address. Please use comments as the email link doesn't seem to work. Nobody knows why.

Rainbow - Since You've Been Gone - needs no introduction
Big Star - What's Going Ahn - look at me aren't i cool?
Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes - Don't Leave Me This Way - mmmm, mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm, mmmmm mmmmm
Barbara Lewis - I Can't Break Away (From Your Love) - stax magic!
The Chi-Lites - Oh Girl - a linux and goblins cheese club selection
Orange Juice - I Can't Help Myself - bit of a fuck up this, put the wrong song on but still nice. probably my favourite 80s band along with the Go Betweens but I don't have any Go-Betweens on CD. Fate has intervened in my track listing.
Darrell Banks - I'm The One Who Loves You - this has stax appeal!
The Spinners - Ghetto Child - sick and tired of living in a town filled with narrow minds and hate? Linux and Goblins is for you my friend! I will NEVER punish you for a crime this is not yours.
The Temptations - Just My Imagination - this is my wife's favourite song, proving that her taste in music is like her taste in men - impeccable.
Neil Young - Tired Eyes - Maximum respec going out to my canadian readers.
The Commodores - Nightshift - i can't explain why i put this on but what the hell
Eddie Floyd - Gotta Make a Comeback - Stax up against any competition!
The Stylistics - Betcha By Golly Wow - at this point my CD becomes so good - it should be illegal! actually it is illegal of course. i'm breaking every copyright law going.Aretha Franklin - Call Me - nice
Emmylou Harris - Pancho and Lefty - prefer Townes Van Zandt's version but again he's stuck on vinyl. you probably can't even buy his records anymore. i saw him in whelans once, he was magic.
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - American Girl - they used to be cool. honest
Guissepe di Stefano - Core n'Grato - bit of (middling) culture for you to round things off.

Now I think it is fair to say that is top class stuff wall to wall. and i am quite literally giving it away. Call now!

2004-03-30T21:32:00.000+01:00

The Friday Times
Being a curious man I picked up a copy of this newspaper in an Asian foodstore on Mary Street. Now I am not so daft as to think I am in the target audience for this sort of thing, but even so it was something of an eye opener.

You can roughly divide the content into three equal categories:
1) Coverage of "the Middle East" (along predictable lines)
2) Arcane and lengthy discourses on the pillars and laws of Islam and their interpretation
3) Comically sexist opinion pieces on the roles of Muslim men and women

Now the first of these I can have some sympathy with (although it would be nice to have a bit more news about the Muslim community in Ireland). The second is simply boring - a thousand words on "An Introduction To Islamic finance - Part 1: House Financing on the basis of diminishing Musharakah" anyone? It is the third category that will excite the interest of every keen Linux or Goblin. Oh yes.

Some of this is whimsical. Women should wear the hijab because peas and oranges do - which is about as sensible as saying they should also grow on trees (which they should, but that is beside the point). Some of it is unintentionally funny: a pair of articles on how to be a good muslim wife (do everything your husband says, make sure he comes home to a cleaned up house and a tarted up you, etc) and a good muslim husband (say "thank you" every now and then). Some of it is a tad extreme - "Can Women Be Leaders?" (answer: no, because Allah says so "and Allah knows best" - I am not making this up.)

All sensible stuff I hear you cry. But given that even the knuckledraggers in the BNP attempt to disguise what they actually feel nowadays, could I suggest to the Friday Times that they do they same? Write some fluff about respecting the differences between men and women, maximising our unique talents and gifts. You get the idea. Everyone will know what you really mean.

As it stands it doesn't do a whole lot to dispel the view that they are all a bunch of nutters.

2004-03-29T11:16:00.000+01:00

The Smoking Ban
I did tell myself I would avoid all references to current affairs in Linux and Goblins, but on this historic day I will make an exception.

1) If smoking is so bad for us why not just ban it? Is it the revenue or just a lack of bottle on the part of Mr. Martin?

2) Any self-righteous idiot who pronounces on how many lives 'will be saved' due to this measure should be taken out and shot for dis-services to science. Does the 'analysis' involve assessing the impact of increased smoking in the home on children? Does it offset deaths from other causes that will (of course) increase. Everybody dies after all. Does it factor in increases in depression and the possible effects of this? I can guarantee it does not. And yet our cretinous media are more than happy to parrot these absurd statistics as 'fact'.

3) Only a fool could fail to note that the poorest and least influential members of society (foreign cleaners) have absolutely no protection whatsoever as they work in the homes of private individuals. So much for 'no compromise on health'.

4) And on that subject, what recourse do I have against drivers who subject my children to carcinogenic exhaust fumes? What is the logic behind driving being 'useful' and smoking not? I believe quite the reverse is true. So if Mr. Martin really believes that exposure to second-hand fumes is such a problem, what is he doing about this?

It may be impractical to ban driving but it would be a piece of piss to insist all private motor vehicles have engines below a certain size.

5) This is the last one I promise. The pub is a traditional insitution in which mildly anti-social activity (drinking, smoking, arguing, swearing, trying unsuccessfuly to get a shag (not myself of course)) is tolerated. This destroys the institution and leaves a huge hole at the centre of Irish society. Now these pleasures are no longer contained in one easy to identify place the whole world is likely to fall apart.

As for all those people who claim to be looking forward to going to pubs at last. Do we really want these idiots spoiling our fun? They should stay at home vegetating in front of the telly and thinking about new kitchens. Thankfully that is exactly what they will do. The idea that a lack of smoke will suddenly bring these emotional cripples out of the woodwork and into real life is risible.

2004-03-29T11:12:00.000+01:00

Panic-Inducing Newspaper Headlines
Here's one to sit alongside "8 EURO A PINT" in the hall of infamy.

Let me get this straight. He has a deep knowledge of the English game and he loves the country. So do I! Give me the job instead! At least I am not PROVEN to be a boggle-eyed fuckwit who couldn't manage his way out of a paper bag.

2004-03-29T11:05:00.000+01:00

Linux And Goblins Is Back
Apologies for the brief hiatus. I was on holiday / couldn't be arsed engaging an activity that is a little to close to talking to the wall for comfort.

2004-03-18T10:56:00.000Z

State Of The Nation
Yesterday I had the pleasure of reviewing the nation's armed forces at the annual St. Patrick's Day parade.

Those who also attended may already share some of my concerns about the readiness of our troops for the modern battlefield. It need hardly be pointed out that batallions of schoolgirls dressed as jellyfish are not an appropriate response in the 'asymetrical' war against Al Quaida and other harbingers of global terror.

Similarly, it appears that top brass are unaware of the many ways in which technology is changing the face of modern battle. Some of the troops on display yesterday remained attached to weaponry that, frankly speaking, has no place in 21st Century warfare. I am speaking of castles and towers, catapults firing enormous silver balls, axes, shields (not the fancy Star Trek type), swords and inflatable dragons. Our brave boys made the most of their situation with a variety of 'blood curdling' screams and oaths but yet again they appear to have been let down by the bean-counters in the ministry.

I also remain convinced that while stilts are a useful tool in reconnaisance missions they are potentially dangerous in the heat of combat. When one considers the outrageous garb some of the be-stilted marchers were wearing the term "sitting duck" comes to mind.

I think Bertie should sort this farce out before we get caught on the hop with nothing but fish on sticks to defend ourselves with.

2004-03-13T17:17:00.000Z

The Education Levels Of Pop Stars
Loosely related to the things you can learn from rock music 'joke' this one. What is it with all these pop singers who seem totally incapable of doing anything except write a song? Exhibit A: Mark Knopfler. "I can't do the talk, like they do on the TV". You're making yourself sound like a retard Knopfler - it's embarassing. Closely followed by: "I can't right a love song, like the way it's supposed to be". At least you got that one right. So in fact you are even dafter than my original estimation.

And as for Elton John. What do you mean you can't make potions in a travelling show? What sort of a pathetic loser are you? It's not exactly a skilled job. I think he dismisses sculpture a little quickly and I still can't help feeling he didn't fully explore all the career options open to him before plumping for fat balding 'singer' songwriter. There are other areas he could look into other than potions and sculpture.

All in all a damning indicment of the British education system.

2004-03-11T17:02:00.000Z

Guarana Boost Clarification
The Guarana Boost is a strange creature. To the best of my knowledge the Boost became extinct before being resurrected solely as a means to 'carry' a guarana based chocolate bar (guarana is a sort of natural drug, as opposed to a made up drug like cake).

Think of it as a chocolate ceolacanth. That's the best way to get your head around it.

BTW I don't think it is eaten for the taste, more for it's energy giving abilities which enable you to dance/make love/engage in unspecified activity all night, delete as applicable.

2004-03-10T14:22:00.000Z

Another Thing You Can Learn From Rock Music
Performing any sort of activity "all night" (typically making love or dancing but sometimes unspecified) is almost certainly going to be "alright".

Interestingly in the case of the latter my experience is mixed, and as for the former - don't make me laugh. Who the hell are these people who make love all night and haven't they got anything better to do?

2004-03-10T14:03:00.000Z

Wispa Discontinued
As a chocolate bar the Wispa had an interesting and chequered history. In many ways it has encapsulated everything that has gone wrong in the confectionery industry, vis:

1) Contains air yet retails at standard price
What the fuck is going on with this? Who is fooled by such blatant profiteering? And it's not just Wispa, it's a bloody disease with Aero, Twirl etc getting in on the act.

2) Changed shape and size during lifespan
Again, a laughingly transparent attempt to pull the wool over our collective eyes. When the Wispa was invented it had a TALL cross section. A few years into it's life this is squashed into what can only be called a trapezoid. Even allowing for the fact that some of this lost volume was air it doesn't take a genius to figure out who benefits from this re-shaping. DO THE MATHS MR. CADBURY.

3) Tinkering with format towards end of lifespan
It's the same old story. Who here can forget the peanut Boost? In a desperate attempt to stave off extinction, the species mutates into a bewildering array of alternative forms, eg WispaMint, WispaCaramel etc. None of these was effective and (to my great amusement) they would have worked better with the previous 'tall' cross section.

2004-03-10T11:59:00.000Z

Automated Paper Towel Dispensers
Finally, a reliable and affordable automated touchless towel dispenser.
Well thank God for that. I mean the world has been crying out for something along these lines when not demanding a lollipop that is also like an ice cream. I don't wish to sound like an old man, but when I was a lad we had both the strength and the determination to pull our own paper towels out of a metal dispenser.

What exactly was the problem with that? Was it SO hard that it required some presumably intelligent person to invent and manufacture this absurdity? PEOPLE ARE STARVING YOU MORON. Do something useful like selling Microsoft Office.

I came face to face with this machine in the Irish Management Institute. The irony (oh the irony!) was that whilst exiting the toilet I brushed against it and out popped another towel. So much for efficiency.

2004-03-05T16:03:00.000Z

Fruit Gums
There was a time when the Rowntrees Fruit Gum was a hard sweet for hard-working men. Nowadays it seems soft as shite; a reflection on these cosseted times since the end of National Service.

Nigel Slater should write a book about how the sweet shelf has reflected the zeitgeist through the ages. It would get a good review in the Observer. I wouldn't buy it though.

BTW the softer they get the fewer black ones there are, so we are losing out twice over.

2004-03-05T15:42:00.000Z

Bungalow Blitz
Firstly it sounds like a dance, or possibly a really unusual form of warfare, or (even more unlikely) an American football tactic involving dwarves. Secondly, the stupidity of the policy is so obvious to anyone with half a brain that I don't intend to rehearse the multiple cogent arguments against such a policy.

What I am most interested in is why nobody seems to care about the blatant dicriminatory nature of the proposed guidelines. What possible right has the Government got to judge planning applications on the basis of where the applicant comes from? And if it does, can it start rejecting planning applications from the members of "rural communities" who want to build apartments or superpubs in Dublin? I doubt it. It doesn't take long to figure out which community is really being priced out of their neighbourhoods, but then working class Dubliners are never going to have the political clout of the farming lobby.

Incidentally, and following on from the crackdown on the bin protests, I am looking forward to the IFA-backed protestors in Leitrim being jailed for their part in a 'peaceful protest', and a wave of condemnation from Government, but I am not holding my breath.

2004-03-04T13:39:00.000Z

Big Tree Pub Update
It turns out I over-estimated their six nations flag display.

In fact their Welsh flag consists of RED and white vertical halves and a GREEN dragon. This can no longer be classified as mere ignorance, but is instead actively insulting. I search high and low on Kofi Annan's website but although he condemns a lot of things and has discussed subjects diverse with assorted world leaders, this heinous crime against humanity (they are humans aren't they?) is not mentioned.

No surprise there, and Boucher-Hayes of course is more interested in the bloody Slovaks. What is he DOING out there? Does he have some sort of second home/mistress out there? I suppose I wouldn't say no to a month away from it all in Bohemias fields and dales, popping out to the chipper to interview a few Roma every now and then in order to keep the cash rolling in. You can't blame him.

2004-03-03T12:47:00.000Z

The Passion of Christ
Apparently Mel Gibson is suggesting this film was directed by the Holy Ghost, which by my count gives us two Pontius "I wash my hands of this affair" Pilates involved in the project. Anyway what sort of a blaspheming tosser suggests that he is getting help directly from God when he's involved in a profit-making venture? Why don't some of the simpering Catholic housewives ringing up Marian Finucane ask themselves THAT?

And I hope for his sake he does not believe this is going to earn him any credit at the pearly gates. "OK Mr. Gibson, lets be generous and cancel out Lethal Weapon 4, that still leaves 1, 2 and 3 to be accounted for, not to mention the jocko-porn abomination that was Braveheart.". I mean if God loves us so much how does he allow things like "Maverick" to happen, sometimes to innocent children no less.

As to the film itself, "I haven't seen it but" I would consider it some of the holy spirit's best work since Jesus Christ Superstar.

2004-03-01T21:57:00.000Z

Things You Can Learn From Rock Music
There is a lot of wisdom in rock music that too often we take for granted. Over the course of many years listening, certain themes emerge and are repeated that, for this writer at least, confirm some of the most basic truths about our lives.

For instance, someone who has been "used" as ALMOST always been "abused" as well. You would be amazed how few people are used and not abused or vice versa. In some cases people actively encourage this using and abusing but in others you can't be sure - it remains a mystery (in this case the using and abusing typically happened in the past.)

Similarly, and this is near universal, if someone likes the way another person walks, it follows that they also like the way that person talks. As I say, this is almost without exception and admiration for these two qualities is frequently expressed when communicating attraction to the opposite sex, and particularly when someone declares love for their baby (and certainly NOT meaning 'maybe').

We shall have more from this rich seam in the future (or not, if the seam turns out to be about as 'rich' as that supplying lager puns for the Bundy bun people)

2004-03-01T21:48:00.000Z

The Newlyweds 2 - ONLY THREE DAYS TO GO!
In the meantime I am making do with "Britain's 'ardest". "Next a challenge right up my street - our contestants try to flatten a car roof with a 20 pound sledgehammer". THAT is what I call quality television.

2004-02-25T14:57:00.000Z

Linux and Goblins Trend Spotter
UP
Aeroplanes
Birds (including snowy owls)
Baloons filled with helium
Clouds
Ladders

DOWN
Submarines
Moles
Baloons filled with xenon
Carbonierous deposits
Snakes

NEITHER UP NOR DOWN
Grand Old Duke of York's ten thousand men
Badgers, foxes etc
Balloons filled with neon
Low-lying mists and fog, grass, topsoil
Regular squares featuring neither snakes nor ladders

2004-02-25T13:56:00.000Z

And On The Subject Of 'Biotics'....
Any chance we can make up our mind about these things? Stop taking so many probiotic yoghurts and maybe you won't need so many antibiotic drugs - that too simple for you is it?

It's the biotics themselves I feel sorry for. Caught in the crossfire. Living the nightmare man. And does Bono lift a finger? Do we hear Bob "I swear because I care" Geldof talk about them on Primetime? Do we bollocks.

2004-02-25T11:39:00.000Z

Multi-Bionta
10 million pro-biotics eh? Oooo - that's a lot of stuff isn't it? And all for a couple of euros! Sign me up lads I'm having some of that, particuarly as in the past it's been so 'hard' to choose multi-vitmamins.

I mean really, if you are having trouble choosing multi-vitamins you don't need 'A to Zinc' love, you need a brain transplant.

What next, adverts for Mars bars telling us we are getting a billion molecules of chocolate all for 70p? (Anyone writing to tell me there is no such a thing as a molecule of chocolate earns a cyber slap). Actually this could go down really well with the shopping channel. "with these extra 80 toothpicks that makes this a 47billion piece set!".

2004-02-25T11:24:00.000Z

Message To The Management Of The Big Tree Pub, North Circular Road, Dublin
1) The Welsh flag is not divided into green and white vertical halves with a miniscule (I mean really miniscule) red dragon in the centre. It has horizontal halves and a big fuck off red dragon the likes of which has not been seen since the sad demise of Ivor the Engine.

2) The English flag is not a diagonal red cross on a white background.

Wankers.

2004-02-25T11:16:00.000Z

Nerd Watch
I was just visiting Justin's fabulous weblog (please reciprocate Justin) and came across this wonderful sentence:

"BTW, in case you've been living in a hole for the last year -- SpamAssassin does include a probabilistic classifier, in the form of the BAYES rules."

Like most of the planet, despite having led a full and active life for the past year, keeping up to date with the world and staying abreast of all the latest issues, I was NOT aware that SpamAssassin included a 'probabilistic classifier', whatever the hell that is.

As an insight into the dramatically reduced mental landscape of the average goblin-fancier this can't be beat.

No offence Justin

2004-02-23T21:32:00.000Z

Europe
So its a European Union, right, except that you can't actually move around freely and you need work permits to travel from East to West. So it's not a Union at all is it? I mean maybe I am confused somewhere but with all those thousands of Eurocrats (a word that like "securocrats" should be banned) working away on this enlargement project, do you think someone might have spotted that if every country starts scrambling to remove the basic freedoms associated with a political and economic union the whole project is worthless? What a crowd of morons.

It's like they realised there was no possiblilty of real integration but they just did it anyway and hoped nobody would notice that by enlarging the EU they also made it totally meaningless. Not that it had any meaning anyway, I mean what do I have in common with the average Italian? Not much other than a healthy dislike of Phillip Boucher-Hayes and a reputation as a superb and sensitive lover (probably not true in the case of the Italians by the way).

2004-02-23T14:13:00.000Z

National Aquatic Centre
There is something uniquely Irish about building a state-of-the-art multi-million-euro swimming complex and then placing an overweight incompetent retard at reception whose sole aim seems to be stopping you having a swim, or at the very least make you wait as long as possible for the privilege.

Actually, on reflection what would be uniquely Irish would be not having the complex at all and just keeping the retard. And after you've made it past this chap you then discover you have no change for a locker, at which point you are sent back out to the reception (this time in your swimming trunks so feeling doubly stupid) to ask the same man to change a fiver (a complicated procedure because he only communicates in grunts - i am not making this up).

The aquatic centre is, however, 'lovely once you're in', and not in a getting used to the temperature sort of way either, because the water is so warm it's like getting in the bath. I can't help feeling the population is getting softer since my young day, when a trip to the swimming pool involved getting into something that could comfortably pass as liquid nitrogen.

In fact it's so soft that you don't even have to swim. You're never out of your depth and there is a 'lazy river' that moves you round in circles. Actually it can take a surprising amount of time before you question the purpose of this activity, at which point you head for the pirate ship where new meaning is added to your swimming experience.

As you might expect the only downside of the Aquatic Centre is the prevelance of 'tough' types (hooligans if you will), although exactly how tough spending saturday afternoon in the swimming pool is I'm not sure. Law and order is maintained in that special way unique to swimming pools - blowing into a whistle and pointing. Anyone planning the crime of the century would do well to escape into a swimming pool, at which point your pursuers are reduced to whistling and pointing in frustration (as any swimmer will tell you there is no escalation beyond this point).

2004-02-20T14:35:00.000Z

Kofi Annan Watch II
"Secretary-General Discusses Iraq with Group of Friends".

I don't even know what to say about this. Pathetic Mr. Annan, absolutely pathetic. People like ME talk about Iraq with their mates. You, on the other hand, are supposed to be doing something about it.

But instead you and your mates go out and get wasted before returning to someones downtown Geneva pad, sticking on the Bob Marley, and solving all the world's problems over a couple of joints.

SHAME ON YOU.

2004-02-20T13:19:00.000Z

Bananas Update
Yet again Linux and Goblins is setting the agenda. Apparently Ryan Turbidy is 'onside' with the campaign for small fruit and has been broadcasting same on his RTE radio show. He hasn't acknowledged Linux and Goblins as such but this is no time for infighting.

LA LUTTA CONTINUA!

2004-02-20T13:06:00.000Z

Request For Information
There is a Special K advertisement currently appearing on bus shelters, billboards etc around town. Alongside a pair of legs are the words "Just because it's made a comeback doesn't mean you shouldn't have to".

At this point in time I have now spent about 10 days trying to figure out what the fuck this is referring to or supposed to mean. It's hard enough without the "doesn't mean you shouldn't" construction, which is beginning to wreck my head to the extent that if it remains unresolved it may start leading to acid flashbacks.

Can someone assist?

The legs are nice though. ZZ Top would appreciate them, as I do recall they went for a woman with legs (as opposed to without), and particularly those that knew "how to use them". "oo yeah that's it baby, one foot in front of the other, mmmm, nice walking babe".

I searched high and low for the follow up "arms" but to no avail. Just like George Bush HA HA HA POLITICAL SATIRE. I am the new Rory Bremner.

2004-02-19T13:11:00.000Z

Bewleys
I apologise in advance for any innacuracies in the 'article' below, but like everything else in Linux and Goblins it is based on something I half heard on the radio.

This morning i half heard on the radio (you see, I told you) that Bewleys are considering the future of their Grafton Street and Westmoreland Street cafes. Lovers of this 'venerable Dublin institution' (tm) (I believe they exist) (lovers of Bewleys, not Trademarks, i know they exist) might wonder how this could happen. Fortunately the management are happy to help on that score. It's all the fault of the LUAS. LUAS works have left Grafton Street in particular SO deserted that to even attempt to maintain a cafe in the location is ridiculous.

Now I don't necessarily blame the incompetent and money-grabbing management of Bewleys attempting to deflect responsibility in this way. I do however object to the business 'journalists' of RTE being daft enough to believe this flimsy story and even worse parrot it on air without stopping to think, for a second, what Grafton Street is like all day every day (it's busy, is what I am trying to say) and thus rejecting this fabrication out of hand.

If anyone in RTE or Bewleys needs a hand with this, the cafes are in danger because:
1) The coffee is shit
2) The food is shit
3) It's too expensive
4) You can only smoke in the crap bits
5) They think a steady stream of tourists who don't know better means they can stop providing a quality service to the locals

A simple analysis but perfectly accurate. But would you hear this on RTE business news? You would on your arse. Too busy telling us about Denis O'Brien scratching his arse in the Carribean and talking about banks earning €1 billion a year out of us like it is somehow a good thing. plus the latest on manchester united. why do they bother? why do i bother?

2004-02-17T21:49:00.000Z

Campaign To Use Anecdotal Evidence In Support Of Western Medicine
Now THIS is a great idea. Next time some credulous fool even BEGINS to sing the praises of whatever 'pilule' cured them of some vague and ill-defined malaise (without touching the fingers of course, it can't touch the fingers, that would obviously render it completely useless), simply chime in with a story of your own:

"I had a terrible headache and no matter what combination of aromatherapy oils I massaged into my temples I could not shake it, but then I took 1000mg of paracetamol and it just dissapeared!"

"A friend of mine had a terrible ear infection and despite talking about herself for an hour to a 'qualified' homeopath and taking a blend of arnica and pulsitilla (where do they get these names from?) it seemed to be getting worse. Then she went to something called a 'doctor' and he gave her something called a course of antibiotics and THEY WORKED."

In either case this is best followed up with a quick "HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT THEN?"

2004-02-17T21:41:00.000Z

The Campaign For Small Fruit
Observant Linux and Goblins readers will note the increasing size of fruit. Obviously this is happening gradually but it is certainly proceeding faster than the accompanying increase in the size of human beings. If trends continue we will be dwarfed by grapefruits and a stroll though an autumn orchard will be fraught with danger.

As I said, the change is gradual, but the end result is there for all to see. Take the banana. This fruit (as typically sold in our supermarkets) is now so bloated as to be "a sickener" - certainly far too large to be enjoyed in one sitting. This is progress? Similarly apples seem to be gaining volume in inverse proportion to taste. The whole satsuma / mandarin / tangerine classification (obscure in the first place) seems to be up for grabs entirely with some of these upstarts the size of oranges in my young day. Meanwhile my wife can barely fit two plums in her mouth anymore without gagging - a sorry state of affairs.

I doubt that direct action is going to have a significant affect in this area but perhaps some form of consumer power will indicate our dissatisfaction with the current fruit impasse. I recommend all Linux and Goblins readers switch to the kiddies bananas (ironically these ar e too small) and hope that the supermarket buyers get the message. SMALLER FRUIT PLEASE.

2004-02-16T15:53:00.000Z

Overheard At The Zoo
"I like animals but I don't like to see them penned in"

At what point in this person's trip to the zoo did they realise that the animals would be in some way seperated from the people? Or was he expecting to just walk through the door into a large field full of lions, tigers, toddlers and mothers pushing buggies?

I mean even without the mothers and toddlers this sort of practice could lead to problems and a pretty rapid cull of some of the City Farm inhabitants.

Incidentally regular visitors to the zoo will have noticed the absence of the penguins during the winter months (you know, the ones when nobody visits the zoo), apparently for the purposes of 'exhibit maintenance'. No maintenance is apparent. My feeling is that they kill them all in October and just buy another lot in March. Nobody would notice the difference after all. I asked the Snowy Owl but he isn't talking.

2004-02-16T15:40:00.000Z

Affectation News
According to "seasonal news", the newsletter of Sheridans cheesemongers, white wine is preferable than red wine when partnering cheese.

Suddenly whole vistas of imaginary dinner party conversations open up in my mind, and I find myself looking forward to the raised eyebrows of waiters as I confidently ask for the white with the cheese board.

I am sure you are as excited as me about this news.

2004-02-16T15:30:00.000Z

As Heard On Joe Duffy
"Although it's strictly an amatuer interest I consider myself a bit of a buff on serial killers through the ages".

Is this a new trend in which people go on the radio to announce to the broader public they are a complete nutcase?

Best kept in the privacy of your own home (as Fred West no doubt told himself)

2004-02-13T12:53:00.000Z

Radio Advertising Watch
For whatever reason I have always found radio advertising amusing. Possibly it's something to do with the conventions of the form ("did you visit that website i told you about, MONSTER.IE?"), but more probably because most people producing radio adverts don't seem to give a shit whether they make any sense or even sound professional. I imagine most advertising execs didn't go into the business to record John Dillon's thoughts on depression and to be frank, it shows.

CIE - your "dream holiday" is supposed to involve driving around Mexico on a BUS? Come off it. Nobody is buying this rubbish, I don't know why they are even trying to convince us that any sane individual would regard a coach tour in the company (presumably) of 50 crazy old women (quite possible lesbians) as a 'dream holiday'. To be fair they do get to the coach bit at the end and even then only refer to it obliquley (something about "watching the world pass by your window", as opposed to slowly suffocating in the heat and enjoying the smell of other people's vomit).

Far better to tell it like it is. Its a cheap way to say you've been somewhere. Plenty of value in that, I mean I've done the long distance bus thing myself and in a strange way I rather enjoy it, but there are better ways to travel.

Speaking of which, no, I have never wondered why Mitsubishi invest so much money in competing in the Dakar rally. The number of people who HAVE wondered about this must be so vanishingly small as to be irrelevant, and most of them probably work for Mitsubishi anyway. And they probably wonder about why they spend that money in a bad way.

In fact the ad was probably made by the guy who runs the Dakar Rally project in Mitsubishi specifically to be heard by his boss who is about to pull the funding.

Ridiculous.

2004-02-10T22:12:00.000Z

Further Thoughts on "You're a Star"
By enabling songs by solo beatles one contestant sang "imagine" (how come nobody chose the Frog Chorus? was there some sort of fix?) and I thought to myself it really IS hard to imagine no possessions or countries. You should try it some time. If there was no countries where would you go on holiday and where would all the chinese people live? But despite these weaknesses the song has helped mr lennon get immortalised by supplying his name to a small regional airport frequented by budget holidaymakers (above us only sky and buns retailing at €4.50).

for some reason this habit of naming things after famous dead people extends only to airports and stands at football grounds. There is an interesting piece of work in exploring this phenomenon that could feasibly make a tidy sum for a journalist on a Sunday newspaper. I read the Tribune at the weekend, I know the sort of stuff these people commission. I was particularly interested to read about a house that would suit "young professionals" that was listed at €640,000. So that's two young professionals with salaries of €150,000 pa EACH then is it? (plus the €40,000 deposit). What planet are these people living on?

By the way i have a nagging feeling that the 'joke' about imagine above is internalised from some other source, a cyber pound if anyone can confirm this (its probably harry hill)

2004-02-09T11:37:00.000Z

You're A Star
Last night I was fortunate enough to catch a few minutes of this cleverly-named (Eurostar) pop extravaganza. It is certainly a moving tribute to the many talents of our young folk, and given that our young nation needs a Eurovision winner I admire the sentiment.

However I have some issues with the format of the show. After each song the contestants are judged by a panel including Louis Walsh, Phil Coulter, Linda Martin and Dave Fanning. This is an absurdity. These people probably don't even vote on Eurovision night, and even if they did would be unable to vote for an Irish act.

What is required is a panel of Latvians, Greeks, Israelis, Spainards etc who can more accurately reflect the tastes of the voting public. Although I believe there are now many foreigners in Ireland it might be preferable to import the panel specifically for this event, as we would not want to trust the word of a foreigner in Ireland long enough to acquire a fondness for Charlie McGettigan etc.

Secondly, last night all the contestants sang Beatles songs. This again is ridiculous, as I can guarantee that it will NOT be allowed come the big night in country X. What better than to follow the fine example of the English, who chose Micheal Ball in advance and then had him perform a dozen songs before a public vote took place. I know for a fact that video of this show are still changing hands at weapons fairs throughout the world and that chance are Saddam Hussein is right now watching it.

And lastly, something must be done about the smalltalk. "I am related to Kevin Kilbane". Big fucking deal - obviously not that closely related if you refuse to specify exactly HOW, and anyway - Kevin Kilbane? I'd keep that quiet if I was you. And some girl telling us that she doesn't like people who dunk biscuits. These people should get themselves a weblog.

2004-02-05T09:04:00.000Z

Operation Quest
The good folk of the Garda Siochana have been having a tough time of it lately, what with the fuddy-duddy liberal establishment taking exception to a few routine beatings, and traditional policing methods such as fabrication of evidence and making a few extra bob from the Sunday World coming under the spotlight.

In this context it was great to see "Operation Quest" come to a successful conclusion yesterday. Most of us cannot imagine the tireless undercover work that these public servants have put in over the last couple of years. Every lapdancing club in the country was visited repeatedly, in the course of which some Gards had to buy drinks out of their own pockets and wait up to two weeks for the expenses to come through.

Some, possibly married men, may have been obliged to witness a lapdance themselves, both in order to 'blend in' and ensure that the performance was legal. In dim lighting it can be hard to figure out if a girl is foreign or not, so in some cases repeated dances may have been required. In order to check that prostitution was not taking place, we can assume these fine men attempted to request and pay for sexual services in every club they visited.

But it was all worth it yesterday as four club owners were charged with employing illegal immigrants. Those who suggest a similar tally of arrests could be chalked up after visiting a dozen Spar shops on a Saturday afternoon are failing to understand the complexities of police work. I say hats off to the boys in blue for this sterling work. Long may it continue.

I was also impressed with TV3 News, which, in a responsible piece of journalism, ensured that viewers unfamilar with lapdancing were quickly brought up to speed with some video footage. An interesting idea that for some reason is not used when reporting on other criminal cases.

2004-02-03T16:47:00.000Z

Landmark Ryanair Judgement
I don't particularly understand the controversy over Charleroi, other than having a feeling the Waloons were getting ripped off seeing as everyone who landed there got on a bus to Brussels.

I do however have a problem with a company that keeps banging on about value for money whilst trying to strap me into a seat and charge me €4.50 for a fucking BUN. Am I the only person who sees through this nonsense?

Introducing FarrellAir
All flights to anywhere in the world - €0
(surcharges for purchase of plane, pilot, aviation fuel, airport handling etc may apply due to some unreasonable fuckers expecting me to get them from A to B).

Venture capitalists use email link on left in strict confidence

2004-02-03T13:01:00.000Z

Just Who Is "Gary Jules"
I have been asked (oh how I have longed to say those words) to explain who Gary Jules is for the benefit of some of the less 'well up' readers of this weblog. Mr. Jules recently topped the charts (popular music variety) with a piano and vocal cover version of the Tears for Fears classic "Mad World". Now for your average Tears For Fears fan this was a pretty ropey effort that captured none of the intensity of the original, but regardless it 'struck a nerve' with the public leading to an amazing 'word of mouth' sales phenomenon that rocketed the single to number one despite the TOTAL LACK of any marketing effort whatsoever.

This in turn led to news items on Sky News etc, and quite possible Boucher-Hayes getting his oar in there too, in which it was deemed to be "heartening" that in these days of over-produced and over-marketed pop music such a song could be Christmas number one thanks to talent and talent alone.

The cynics amongst us (there's the Tears for Fears influence again) may have noted that the exact same thing happened last year, with that old busker singing about his mum. "Innit amazing? Oooo look he's just an old busker singing about his lovely old mum and he's on top of the pops with no marketing or nothing dear!". FOOLS! WE'RE BEING PLAYED FOR FOOLS BY THESE PEOPLE! Word of mouth my arse.

By the way Gary Jules is American Justin so I don't see how not being in Dublin is an excuse.

2004-02-02T13:41:00.000Z

Campaign to get Gary Joules to do "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" next
Register your support for this campaignin the comments box and I will forward on a petition to his record company.

2004-02-02T13:07:00.000Z

Kofi Annan Watch
Secretary-General Ends Trip to Belgium, Speaks on Middle East

30 January -- Secretary-General Kofi Annan concluded his official visit to Belgium today with a meeting with Prime Minister Guy Verhofstadt and a dozen senior members of his Government, including Foreign Minister Louis Michel. In response to a question asked at a press conference later, he said the situation in the Middle East is extremely worrying, with many people killed over the last several days, and added, "I have always condemned without reservation suicide bombings that take innocent lives, and have also indicated that we need to be active and energize our efforts to find a way of bringing the parties to the table."

Not good enough Mr. Annan. Anyway if it's so bloody important what are you doing in Belgium? ENJOYING THE SPROUTS?

2004-02-02T12:20:00.000Z

Radio Advertising Watch
OK I've forgotten what it is called exactly, but 2004 is something along the lines of the "Year of the Disabled". As part of this campaign a series of radio ads is being run, each featuring individuals announcing what practical steps they will be taking to make the world a better place for those with special needs.

Two basic issues with this:
1) One lady tells us that she will "stop parking in disabled spaces". Is this something we are supposed to be applauding? Good for you love, I too am a wonderful person since I stopped beating my wife, but I don't clutter up the airwaves (Boucher-Hayes et al) lecturing everybody else about domestic abuse.

2) One man says he is going to support "rights-based disability legislation". Presumably this advert is funded by the Government, the same Government that last year didn't have the money/balls to implement the exact same thing.

Am I the only person who finds this actively insulting? "We're not going to enact rights-based legisaltion, but if you want to feel good about yourself please feel free to engage in a prolonged and futile exercise to change our minds. You (the taxpayer) have incurred a small charge for the production and broadcast of this message."

2004-02-01T21:25:00.000Z

Introducing RazorXchange.com
Millions of people all over the world are stuck with bodies or blades of shaving systems they will never use again, due to having moved over to another system or the receipt of a gift. I need hardly point out that this is playing right into the hands of the Gilette and Wilkinson Sword toiletry/cosmetic complex, and I don't think it would be paranoid to imagine they are in 'cahoots' over this.

But now we strike back, thanks to the power of the Web I am proud to launch RazorXchange.com, which puts blade and body donors in touch with each other to enable mutally beneficial exchange of shaving products. I wanted Noel Edmonds for this (for obvious reasons) but the fees are still surprisingly high, especially when you think he killed a man on telly. I digress.

initally I suggest we use the comments available to all readers of the blog. I will start the ball rolling:

GOT:
Mach 3 body, nearly new, mint condition
Gilette Blue II disposable, lightly used, good for another couple of shaves

WILL SWAP FOR:
Bic Microglide disposables

(RazorXchange.com levies a charge of 2% estimated value of all traded goods.)
(Venture Capitalists call in strict confidence)

2004-02-01T20:59:00.000Z

Blogging
There are millions of bloggers in the world, most of them almost certainly talking to themselves in the mistaken belief that someone cares what they think about cars parked on the pavement, notable radio journalists etc. Although this may have some benefit to the individual as a sort of confession for people afraid of priests, it does little to add to the sum of human happiness. Now this is a real tragedy, not least because words really have the power to change things for the better. This, incidentally, was something never properly understood by the Bee Gees, with their condescending attitiude ("only words" etc), which probably explains why they had such difficulty "getting a message to you".

Amnesty International have already got human rights, but there are other areas in which a community of bloggers could make a difference.

Like me you were probably dissapointed when Sky cancelled the popular sitcom Baddiel's Syndrome. In fact like me you may have purchased a satellite dish and yearly contract with Sky on the basis of the advance publicity for this show, which you will recall was supposed to 'run and run' (like Paula Radcliffe). Of course in reality it lurched grotesquely from the starting gate with eyeballs rolling and head lolling on the shoulders, and possibly dribbling spittle (like Paula Radcliffe) and was immediately surpassed in comedic value by at least three kenyan sitcoms i can think of.

This does not however excuse the decision to axe the show. We had a promise. If we all wrote to Rupert Murdoch (POLITELY PLEASE) we can turn this thing around people. If someone can post his address in the comments this would be a useful start. I believe he is shacked up with a Chinese bird at present if that helps. Don't bother waiting for Boucher-Hayes to do anything about this, you'll be waiting a long time...

2004-01-30T20:57:00.000Z

A Useful Idea For Pedestrians
Like me you are probably frustrated by the many Dublin motorists who consider the pavement fair game for parking and thus inconvenience upstanding citizens pushing buggies or using a wheelchair (not literally upstanding in the latter case but we shall let that pass). Not only is this behaviour anti-social it is also explains the near ubiquity of those shitty little black posts all over central Dublin that can cause considerable stress to homeward bound drunks in the early hours of the morning.

Now we can do nothing about this (Boucher-Hayes, Kofi Annan etc) or we can summon our collective energies and mount a response. I propose a guerilla stickering campaign involving 'ultra-adhesive' stickers explaining the correct use of pavements, to be affixed to the windscreens of these miscreants. Removal leaves a sticky glue deposit impervious to all known car washing technologies. In this way sheer pester power will "reclaim the pavements". As a side benefit this can be the beginning of a gradual change that eventually sees us "reclaim the streets". It's all very well fighting with the cops but it seems I am the only one coming up with practical ideas here.

Those interested in joining my crack, elite stickering corp please email in strict confidence. And I need someone to invent the glue.

2004-01-30T20:38:00.000Z

Another Useful Political Idea
I have suggested this before but as usual Boucher-Hayes refuses to respond to my letters so I resort to the weblog.

What is required in this country and probably most others is a party dedicated to eliminating all forms of tax except income tax. The plan is almost TOO simple but is sure to deliver electoral success to any leader visionary enough to adopt and promote it. (NB in the wrong hands could be political suicide).

Imagine if instead of all these stupid charges for perfectly sensible things like credit cards, beer, moving house, buying petrol etc you just paid a simple transparent proportion of your income each month.

1) Massive reduction in administrative costs means the whole thing would probably pay for itself (memo to self: have economists work on this)
2) Very progressive as things like beer and fags that poor people buy would suddenly become really cheap
3) Beer and fags would also be cheap for everyone else (key benefit deserves stressing)
4) When you bought plane tickets online they wouldn't double in price after you click 'submit'
5) No things like license fees, college fees, stamp duty etc would mean that expenditure would be predictable and manageable, and so people would not have to save as much, thus increasing demand in the economy
6) etc

I understand that the orthodoxy now is that you cannot increase income tax, but sooner or later some brave politician will grasp the nettle and make a real name for himself (with the nettle). Now maybe Bertie Ahern or even Enda Kenny think this is too risky, but if I was Pat Rabitte I would consider picking up this particular ball (of nettles) and running with it. Things cannot get much worse after all and at least it will create some buzz. Come on Pat, pick up the phone, you know you want to.

2004-01-30T20:21:00.000Z

A Useful Invention For Motorists
There is a class of driver about who thinks it is clever to cruise past traffic jams down the (vacant) right hand lane before indicating left and rejoining the traffic when someone is:
a) just too slow to close a gap ahead of them or
b) daft enough to reward this ignorance by letting them back into the queue

Now this behaviour is just ignorant, but what is worse is when the offending motorists flashes his hazard lights to say "thank you". Not so much the act itself but the feeling of powerlessness and inability to communicate a suitable reply - "fuck off" for example - using a universally recognised combination or sequence of lights.

What is required is either an agreement on such a system or the invention of some sort of display panel to communicate with others. Obviously early versions will only carry stock phrases but later models, possibly incorporating keyboard input when used by passengers or voice-recognition software for drivers, should be able to deliver the right messages.

Think also of a key side-effect: reduced use of the horn, although we would be pushing it to hope that the cretins who believe that the correct way to summon someone from a house at 1 am is by parking outside the house and beeping the horn (rather than the conventional getting out of the car and ringing the doorbell) will be deterred by this invention.

We will be waiting a long time for the likes of Boucher-Hayes or Kofi Annan to do anything about this issue but this simple solution is ready for market and sure to find an audience. Venture capitalists may contact me via my email in strict confidence.

2004-01-30T17:12:00.000Z

Rip Off Ireland
Visionary stuff from Fine Gael. A campaign to moan about how expensive things are in Ireland, a subject also featured, repeatedly, on Five Seven Live, usually as one of those god-awful sound and voice montages featuring Phillip Boucher Hayes ("picture the scene outside Notre Dame" - bells chime - "pigeons fill the air" - sound of fluttering wings - "a man drinks beer in the sun" - glug glug glug sound effect, ad nauseum, this can really go on for a long time).

This problem (not the Phillip Boucher-Hayes problem, the problem with things being too expensive) will only be resolved when people stop spending every Saturday and Sunday buying shit, and not before. Talking about it is not going to help.

In a capitalist society, which I assume Fine Gael is in favour of, business owners can charge whatever they want, and if consumers are daft enough to think that prices are forced downward by shitty political campaigns rather than their own spending patterns then they deserve everything they get.

What we need is constructive suggestions:

Imagine a campaign of civil disobedience involving a refusal to pay for any (already poured) Guinness over the price of €3.40. A simple "sorry, that's too expensive" and a (hasty) exit and the vintners will soon get the message.

I'm going to write to Kevin Myers and suggest it

2004-01-30T11:36:00.000Z

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